


Arthur Pendragon Explains the Rules of Honourable Combat

by themadlurker



Category: Merlin (BBC)
Genre: Community: camelot_fleet, Dialogue-Only, Multi, OT4, Pillow Fights
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-09-08
Updated: 2009-09-08
Packaged: 2017-10-14 15:07:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/150557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themadlurker/pseuds/themadlurker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You get ambushed by a pillow <em>once</em> and they never let you forget it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Arthur Pendragon Explains the Rules of Honourable Combat

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the line from the series two promo: "It's not a _pillow fight_ , Merlin."

_They never let me forget it, either, which is quite an unreasonable attitude to adopt._

 _It is one thing_ "—yes, all right, Merlin, I'm writing it now—" _to admit that maybe Morgana is actually quite scary with a sword and that Gwen can wield farm implements and other sharp or heavy objects in a very frightening manner and that, in fact, either one of them could probably take my head off if they wanted to... and that, when one takes into account certain unfair magical advantages, Merlin could probably do much worse than that..._

 _I have in fact been making an honest effort to annoy them a bit less ever since I reached this realization—_

"Are you ever going to get to the part with the pillows, Arthur?"

"Yes, thank you, Morgana, I was just getting to that."

"The point is that—" _it is another thing entirely to expect a man to remain calm after being ambushed in his_ "—own chambers, and I hope you realize I could have had you executed for that. Or my guards could have taken you for assassins and slaughtered you instantly."

"Oh, so these would be your invisible guards who weren't anywhere near you at the time... why was that, Gwen?"

"Because, Morgana, His Royal Highness is far too excellent of a knight to ever possibly need someone else's protection—"

"—yes, thank you, Gwen—"

"—because, as we know, he has in fact never needed help from anybody, isn't that right, Merlin?"

"Why, yes, Gwen, I do believe you're correct about that. Certainly none of us has ever helped him in the past."

"Anyway..." _And I shall always maintain that the shriek they all heard when Merlin hit me in the face with_ "—my own pillow, Merlin—" _was Morgana's way of expressing the unholy glee she has always felt at seeing my person beaten, bruised or otherwise molested._

"I'd like to molest you right now."

"Oh, shut up."

 _My own vocal chords are simply far too masculine to have reached that pitch._

"No offense, Arthur, it's just — well, I can, actually have, made you hit that note just by—"

"Guinevere!"

"...yes?"

"Not now."

"Yes, _my lord_."

"As I was saying..." _Supposing that I had made such a sound, the moment Merlin had leapt out from behind the door and swatted me in the face with a bag of goose-down—_

"—still can't _believe_ you didn't see me."

"Yes, because he's always been so perceptive, hasn't he?"

 _—it would have been completely excusable to react to this outrage in a less than noble fashion—_

"Oh, I don't know, Arthur, I thought there was something a _little_ noble to the way you leapt into the air—"

"—and then grabbed hold of the bed curtains—"

 _—because one is not obliged to respect the rules of combat—_

"—though it would have been funnier if you hadn't nearly smothered me and Gwen."

"Oh, I didn't mind. At least, it wasn't any worse than Merlin's enchanted pillows..."

"Yes, come to think of it, Merlin, why didn't you just enchant the pillow to hit Arthur? You didn't have to leap out from behind the door like that."

"Just more fun that way, really—"

 _—against an opponent who has demonstrated thoroughly his own lack of honour._

"Isn't there supposed to be a bit about one's own life being at stake?"

"What would you know about it, Merlin? As far as I know, you never actually read that code of chivalry I leant you."

"Oh, but I did, Arthur. Many times."

"You astonish me."

"Well, maybe not all of it..."

"This is beginning to sound a bit more plausible..."

"Oh, don't let him bully you, Merlin — Arthur did precisely the same thing when his father gave him the book at an impressionable age."

"Morgana!"

"I happen to know for a fact that he studied the same parts you did... and by studied, I mean of course in the sense of the Latin verb _studere_ , that is he devoted himself to those passages with great... enthusiasm—"

"—merely because I felt—"

"—passionate study—"

"—that it was important to learn the behaviour proper to a knight of Camelot — will you stop giggling, Guinevere!"

"Oh! I'm sorry! It's just, now that I remember Merlin's copy, I mean when Merlin had your copy, and I always thought he might have learned that thing from you..."

"Yes, well, I suppose, indirectly..."

"Oh, no you don't, Arthur! You don't get to take the credit for that one, because you were no help at all. You just shoved the book at me and turned bright red, and left me to look up all the unusual vocabulary myself—"

"—exaggerating the task of looking up a few simple words—"

"—which would have been fine if you'd told me what it was about, but instead I had to ask Gaius..."

"Oh my god."

"Merlin, you didn't!"

"Gwen, you haven't known the meaning of true horror until Gaius has given you a 'colloquial Latin' lesson. Funny thing is, he seemed very familiar with the book. You said it used to belong to his father, Morgana?"

"That's..."

"Oh my. That is..."

"Yes, it is a bit, isn't it? Anyway, Arthur, you've still never apologized for putting me through all that."

"...I. Uh. Urgh..."

"...Morgana?"

"Yes, Gwen?"

"Uh, I think... is Arthur choking?"

"Oh, dear! No, wait... I think he's trying to say something."

"I. Yes. Ah. What I mean to say is... well, that is to say, I'm sorry. Merlin. I should have—"

"Apology accepted. Anyway, I did figure out eventually why you'd given it to me. And it certainly was instructive."

"...still can't believe you asked Gwen and Morgana to help you with it..."

"Yes, but we're glad he did, aren't we, Gwen? Never let it be said we let the boys have all the fun."

"Can't believe he didn't tell me he'd shown you the book until I walked in on the three of you!"

"We let you join us, didn't we?"

"That's not the point! It was, uh, a rare and precious volume that I had entrusted to my, uh, trusted manservant—"

"—without indicating in any way that it meant more than, 'here, shine my boots in a more chivalrous way, Merlin'—"

"—and the least you could have done was to let me try some of those things with you first! I'd wanted to do that one with the two knights and the saddle and the—"

"—could you do that with only two people?"

"What? I'm sure..."

"It's just I'm quite sure, well, at least when Merlin was the 'horse', Morgana and I..."

"No, no, Gwen, I think he means the other one."

"What, the...?"

"Yes."

"Oh, yes, then, I see what you mean, that one could work with two."

"It's more fun with three or four, though."

"Well, obviously."

"Oh, I give up, all of you! I thought I was supposed to be the one telling this story, but no one's listening to me and you're making it very difficult to concentrate."

"You know, Arthur, we could always come back to this later. You can always instruct me on chivalric behaviour some other time."

"And that, Merlin, just goes to show that your understanding of chiv—"

"Oh! Oh god, your face, Arthur!"

"...you!"

"It's turning that shade of red again. Doesn't it just make you want to lick him?"

"You..."

"I definitely heard him squeak that time."

"You'll pay for that, Merlin!"

"Oh, so you think you can catch—"

"—like it when the tables are turned, do you, Merlin?"

"—conversation about chivalry and retaliation!"

"Mm, you know, Gwen?"

"...mmm?"

"Some... day... he's going to learn—oh, yes, there—not to tickle powerful wizards."

"Do you think we should try to stop them?"

"No, they'll come join us when they're ready."

"All right, then."

 

SEVERAL DAYS EARLIER

As soon as Arthur could move again, he sat up, pulled a goose feather out of Merlin's hair, pressed a kiss to the inside of Gwen's wrist where it lay across his chest, and said, "I hope you realize that your behaviour is completely contradictory to the rules of chivalry, Merlin."

 

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

"Arthur, you should be careful," Merlin said. "I'm not sure Sir Malfeasant intends to respect the rules of combat."

"You needn't worry so much," said Arthur. "It's not a _pillow fight_ , Merlin."


End file.
